What to Write to Someone Who Is Grieving: Condolence Message Examples

Say that you are sorry, name the person who died, and stop there unless you have something true to add: a memory, something you admired about them, or one specific offer of help. That is a complete sympathy message. "I'm so sorry about your dad. I'm thinking of you" is enough for most people you know, and it does more good than a long message you never get round to sending.

What changes from one person to the next is the detail around those two sentences: how well you know them, what kind of loss it is, whether it goes in a card or a text, and which well-meant phrases to leave out. The examples below can be sent as they are. Put in the real names.

Words that fit almost anyone

When you are not sure how close you are, or nothing more will come, one of these is enough. None of them asks the grieving person to do anything, not even reply.

• "I'm so sorry about your mum. I'm thinking of you."
• "I was so sad to hear about Margaret. Sending you my love."
• "There are no right words for this. I'm so sorry, and I'm here."

Use the name if you know it. "Your loss" keeps the person who died at arm's length. "Your mum" or "Margaret" brings them back into the conversation, and many people in the first weeks of grief want exactly that: to hear someone else say the name.

Condolence messages by how well you know them

The closer you are, the more the message becomes a beginning. With an acquaintance, one kind sentence is the whole job. With a close friend, it is the first of many small things you will do over the coming months.

A close friend

Offer one real thing instead of "let me know if you need anything", which hands them a task at a time when choosing what to eat is hard. Say what you will do and when, make it easy to say no, and tell them they don't have to answer.

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I just heard about your mum. I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm bringing dinner round on Thursday and I'll leave it at the door if you'd rather not see anyone. No need to reply.

• "I keep thinking of your dad at your graduation, cheering louder than anyone in the hall. I'm so sorry. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."
• "Can I take the kids on Saturday? You don't have to decide now. Just text 'yes' whenever you're ready."

A colleague

Keep it short, kind and private. A direct message or a card is better than a reply in the team channel, where the same line will appear twenty times. If you can take something off their desk, say so plainly: from a colleague, that is often the most useful offer there is. If you didn't know the person who died, don't pretend you did.

• "I was so sorry to hear about your brother, Tom. Take all the time you need. I'll look after the Henderson account until you're back."
• "Thinking of you and your family, Priya. No need to reply."
• "I never met your mother, but I remember how much you loved your Sunday calls with her. I'm so sorry."

On a card the whole team signs, one line each is right. "Thinking of you, Dan. With deepest sympathy, Claire" says everything it needs to.

A neighbour

A neighbour's advantage is being close by, so practical offers work best: the bins, the post, the dog, parking for visiting relatives, keeping an eye on the house during the funeral.

• "We're so sorry about Frank. He waved at our kids every single morning. If anything needs carrying or fixing, we're right next door."
• "I'll bring your bins in this week and watch the house while you're at the funeral. Thinking of you all."

Someone you barely know

A parent from school, a friend of a friend, a colleague's husband. Keep it simple, don't claim a closeness you don't have, and don't offer help you won't give. Here a short, plain message is the right size.

• "I was sorry to hear about your father. Thinking of you and your family."
• "Please accept my condolences. I'm sorry you're going through this."

Your manager, a client or anyone formal

Formal doesn't have to mean cold. Use their title if you normally would, keep it to three sentences and release them from answering.

• "Dear Mr Alvarez, I was very sorry to hear of your wife's death. Please accept my sincere condolences. There is no need to reply."

When a family has lost a parent, a child or a pet

A parent

Losing a parent is the loss most adults go through sooner or later, and that makes it easy to reach for routine words. If you met the parent, one small memory changes the whole message. If you didn't, use something your friend told you about them.

• "I'm so sorry about your mum. She made everyone who came into that kitchen feel like family, me included."
• "I never met your dad, but I've heard about his fishing trips for years. I'm so sorry, Sam."

A child

Fewer words are better here. Say the child's name, because parents who lose a child often notice that people stop saying it. Don't compare, don't explain, don't look for anything good in it, and never mention other children, the ones they have or ones they might have. Offer help through one person who is organising it, so the parents don't have to answer ten people.

• "We are heartbroken for you. We loved Lily, and we will keep saying her name."
• "There is nothing big enough to say. We love you both. Meals are coming all next week. Anna is organising it, so you don't have to answer anyone."

A pet

Grief after a dog or a cat dies is real, and people are often embarrassed by how much it hurts. A message that takes it seriously means a lot. Use the animal's name and one habit, and don't ask when they'll get another.

• "I'm so sorry about Biscuit. Fourteen years of being met at the door is a lot of love to miss."

Card, text, email or a note weeks later

A text or a messenger message is fine for the first news, especially to friends and colleagues. It arrives quietly, can be read when they are ready, and asks nothing. One to three sentences is plenty.

A card or a handwritten note suits families, older relatives and anyone formal. There is room in it for a memory, and cards get kept and reread, while a chat message scrolls away. Three to six sentences are enough. Email works for colleagues, clients and people far away. "Thinking of you" makes a better subject line than "Condolences".

Then there is the note weeks later. In the first week messages arrive by the dozen. By the fourth week they have mostly stopped, and the grief has not. A few lines at a month, on the birthday of the person who died, before the first holidays or on the anniversary tell the family that someone still remembers. Put a reminder in your calendar on the day you send the first message.

• "It's been a month since Dan died and I've been thinking about you. No need to reply. I'm still here."
• "Today would have been your mum's seventieth birthday. I remember her laugh. Thinking of you all day."

What not to say, even kindly meant

Most hurtful condolences come from wanting to make someone's pain smaller. The phrases below all try to do that, and the person grieving tends to hear one message in them: please feel better soon.

Long stories about your own losses belong on the list too. One sentence of shared experience can help: "I remember how lost I felt after my father died." A whole paragraph asks the grieving person to comfort you.

When saying very little is right

Some deaths are too raw for anything but the shortest words: a sudden death, a suicide, an overdose, a death the family hasn't explained. Don't guess at causes and don't ask. Write the plainest version and leave it there.

• "I'm so sorry about Chris. I'm thinking of you."
• "I only just heard, and I'm so sorry. I'm here whenever you want."

The same goes for a message that comes late. If you missed the funeral or only heard weeks afterwards, send it anyway, and keep the apology for being late shorter than the condolence: "I should have written sooner. I'm so sorry about your grandmother."

If the first sentence still won't come, some people describe the person who died to our chat, treat what comes back as a rough starting point and rewrite it in their own words.

Faith and custom, if the family is religious

When a family has a faith, its own words carry a comfort that general ones can't. Use them if you share that faith or know the family lives by it. Otherwise, the plain words above are right.

Jewish families sit shiva for seven days after the funeral, usually at home, and friends come to visit. People bring food; flowers are not part of the custom. In English, "May her memory be a blessing" is often said or written, and in Hebrew visitors leave the house with a traditional line asking God to comfort the mourners among all who mourn for Zion and Jerusalem.

Muslim families receive condolence visits, mostly during the first three days. On hearing of a death people say "Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un", "We belong to God and to Him we return", and "May God have mercy on him" is a common line in a message.

Christian families often welcome "I'm praying for you" or "May she rest in peace". In Catholic families a Mass card, which arranges for a Mass to be said for the person who died, is a traditional thing to send. For families without a faith, skip heaven and prayers. "Thinking of you" and one memory do all the work.

How to sign off

End warmly and briefly. "With love" and "Thinking of you" suit people you are close to; "With deepest sympathy" and "With heartfelt condolences" suit anyone formal. Between close friends, "I love you" is a fine last line. "Best", "Cheers" and "Kind regards" feel too brisk here. Sign with your full name if the family might not know which Sarah you are.